whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
