You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
