if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
