I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
