i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
