he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my being single is dangerous.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
