So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you never un-have a 4some
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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