just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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