My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
