I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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