Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
