Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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