I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
