how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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