I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
