I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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