i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wannas sexs uuuuu
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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