I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My friends, they love my intelligence
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
