Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
