Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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