piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize