just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
