You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
