Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
