Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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