ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize