First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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