So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
