I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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