I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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