They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
