I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
