True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
