I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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