My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
