turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i drank out of a bidet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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