Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
porn star boner night. come get it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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