Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
