Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
