RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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