i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
