just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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