I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize