you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
