I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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