i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
