Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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