respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
