filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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