omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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