Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
