I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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