I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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