So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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