Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
