all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
