My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
