i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't deserve a penis
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
