Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize