They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm having to shit out rocks
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