I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize