sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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