they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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