The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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