On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
