I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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